I really didn’t know whether to post this, but I promised myself that I’d document my journey here & I’d always be authentic… so I’m going to hit publish & hope for the best.
Pregnancy when you’re recovering from an Eating Disorder.
Most days are good days. Most. Not all. I’m grateful that those good days are now the majority, there was a time where I thought I’d never see ONE ever again. I’ve made massive progress and for that I’m so grateful. Truly.
… Yet trying to win a battle against ED when you’re pregnant is bloody hard. Today is one of those hard days. I’m sitting here writing this in tears… not because I’m not happy… I am. I’m ecstatic. The future that I never thought I’d have is just around the corner.
I’m crying through frustration & confusion. Confusion because I look in the mirror & see a growing bump… a bump I’m so glad is growing as it means our little girl is doing her job… yet ED is screaming at me. He looks at my reflection in disgust. I want to be one of those pregnant women who proudly cradles their bump & yet I feel ashamed. With that shame comes guilt, guilt that somehow our Mini-Human will in some way think that I don’t want her when I do… more than anything in the world.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for everyone to tell me it will be OK. I know that it will be OK. I am overjoyed to be bringing a precious life into this world and I already love her & Dickie more than I can explain as a result. I guess I just wanted to say that sometimes it’s shit. I often get emails from people asking what the secret formula is for recovery… but the sad truth is that there isn’t one. It’s just sheer determination & stubbornness.
The difference now is that EVERY SINGLE DAY I choose Dickie & the bump over ED. Every. Single. Day.