Nobody tells you about the different emotions you’ll go through when you bring a miniature human into the world. NCT might tell you how to change a nappy and about labour but they certainly don’t prepare you for everything you’ll go through in those first couple of months. So, I thought it might be helpful to shed some light…
Night One, aka WTAF?
It’s your first night home from hospital. Your baby slept like an angel when you were together on the ward, you know because you watched them the WHOLE night. Now that you’re home with the comfort of your own bed looming, your newbie is screaming blue murder and you pass them from one to another, like a parcel, clueless as to how to make it stop. Then the sun comes up…
Day Five, aka DRUNKEN DELERIUM
It’s been five days straight and you’re still awake. Your mini human feeds every two hours at a stretch and it takes an hour to feed each time followed by 30 minutes of burping, leaving you 30 minutes of potential sleep. You remove all mirrors from the house having decided you don’t need to torture yourself with reflections of your dark circles.
Day Seven, aka DESPERATION
On the brink of breaking, you cave to all of the over-priced gimmicks you swore you wouldn’t get sucked into. The lovely looking baby products you bought in pregnancy are replaced with ugly looking things that actually work. You’d remortgage your house at this point, just for one good night’s sleep.
Week Three, aka ROUTINE SCHMUTINE
Listening to all of your new mummy friends, you become convinced that you should get your little monkey into a routine. You head to Waterstones and stock up on books from all kinds of baby whisperers. Having skimread the books whilst cooking, cleaning and balancing the baby, you attempt to introduce the routine the very next day. The routine lasts for 2 hours before you destroy the books in a rage when your rascal refuses to do anything “on time”.
Week Five, aka SHEER PANIC
You’re thinking ‘What have I done?’, ‘Is it too early to ask to come back from maternity leave?’. Your husband has developed the ability to become a really heavy sleeper and you take consolation in biscuits with each night feed so that you get some kind of enjoyment out of being awake through the night. You wonder if you’ll ever sleep properly again. People tell you that it’s a growth spurt, you’re convinced it’ll always be this way.
Week Six, aka FALSE SENSE OF BLISS
Turns out those people were right, your sleep thief is now less grumpy as their growth spurt passes. You’ve turned a corner. Your baby is finally sleeping, you’ve managed to brush your hair AND get out of the house. You’ve probably parked in your first parent and baby space and you’re parenting the shit out of life. At this stage, you think you might go on to have a whole brood, maybe even enough to create your own football team.
Week Seven, aka WHAT NOW?
You’ve finally figured out how to brush your teeth and comb your hair… sometimes mistakingly interchanged, and you decide that you should probably be helping your mini-me develop in some way. You Google games that you should be playing with your little nipper and feel better when you realise that they do just sleep, eat and poop. You might brave some baby classes but soon realise that it’s an expensive way to spend an hour changing nappies and feeding in the corner whilst every other baby is angelic.
Week Eight, aka FINDING YOUR FEET
You’ve got this. Your baby not nap when they’re meant to, routine may be a thing you can only dream of, they may need boob to drift off to the land of nod, but you finally feel like you’re finding your flow…. and what’s more, you’re enjoying it. Then before you know it another growth leap and you have to find your way all over again…