When Bells was born, we were sent into somewhat of a tailspin. We’d had 9 months to prepare, she was planned for, it really shouldn’t have come as a shock, but I remember Dickie looking at the nurse and asking if he could pick Bells up and her response? “Of course, she’s yours, you can do what you like with her”. We both looked at each other like bunnies in headlights.
Then of course, there was the first night at home. The night she wouldn’t stop crying and we passed her from one to another and back again, wondering where we could find the mute button.
With Bells nearing her first birthday (where has the time gone), I look back and realise how far we’ve come as a family. Don’t get me wrong, I still Google the answer to most questions that I have, frighten myself silly when I look up potential illnesses that she could have and worry that my “mother’s instinct” needs a reboot and is totally wrong. But, on the whole, I’m pretty proud of us.
Looking back, I spent the first 6 months trying to prove to everybody, including myself, that I was a good mama. The house always had to be immaculate, Bells had to be dressed as cutely as possible, I had to look my best at all times with perfectly polished nails and sheer panic would set in if she cried in public. Of course she did, many, many times.
However, something switched. At 6 months, when Bells turned into a proper little person and started to engage with me, I stopped caring about everyone else… all that I cared about was enjoying her. The result? A much happier baby, me being much more relaxed and the bond that I was so desperate to form all of that time, genuinely appeared. Whether I’ve gained confidence, whether we’ve gotten to know each other better or whether I’ve just become completely exhausted I’m not sure, it could be and or all of the above.
I don’t know if I’m the only one that has experienced this, or whether it’s common? I know for sure that I can’t be the only one trying to keep up appearances and maybe if we were all a bit more honest about how we are feeling, we’d all have a much healthier attitude towards parenting. Who wants perfect anyway? It’s boring.
I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to leave a comment.
p.s. I’ve come to terms with the fact that she will always having resting *****/grumpy face to strangers, but at least I get the smiles now 😉