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eating disorder

Today I loved my bump… for the first time

AnorexiaPregnancy / Jan 14, 2016 /

Today I loved my bump for the first time… and it’s an amazing feeling. When I say bump, I don’t mean baby… of course that was instant love. Instead, I’m referring to my gradually expanding waistband which is now stopping me from wearing my favourite jeans and has had me up until now, feeling less than attractive.

Of course, I appreciate that mine is not a normal pregnancy. If I’m honest, I fell pregnant at a time where I wasn’t fully recovered and as much as I wanted a baby, I didn’t think it would be possible. I guess I just hadn’t fully prepared myself for how hard I would find it at times.

People assume that when you fall pregnant you must all of a sudden be better. They think it’s OK to ask to see your waist, to analyze the size of your stomach, to pass judgement on whether they think it’s big or small. Yet every part of me wants, or should I say wanted, to hide my body away in shame.

When the midwife visited last week (with broken English) I asked whether my bump was too big in comparison to other womens. He told me that it was usual to compare ourselves and not to worry, my ‘bumpie’ would be here soon. I guess most women want their bump to appear… they’re eager for it to happen. I, on the other hand, wanted to hold it off for as long as possible… even though I wanted the baby to grow and be healthy.

Then, a few days ago, I went from looking bloated to having a neat little bump… and every single fear, hang up & anxiety melted away. I found clothes that would show my tummy rather than hide it and I could look in the mirror without feeling disgusted. That’s massive for me.

Today, we went for our 20 week scan. We saw our healthy, ACTIVE little person kicking away and wiggling their arms around. The Sonographer confirmed that they’re perfectly formed and the correct weight for 20 weeks. I couldn’t have fallen in love more.

Now I am able to look at my bump, visualising our Mini-Me growing. I can feel pride that every time I eat something that I never would have dreamed of eating last year. I am OK in the knowledge that my body will continue to change, that I am out of control… I can deal with that. I am so ecstatic to be pregnant and I am going to enjoy the next 20 weeks rather than being hung up on my looks. I finally feel free.

M xox

p.s. we celebrated with Nandos! 🙂