Most expectant mothers worry about breastfeeding, their partner bonding with the baby, getting the baby into a routine etc. I’m worried I’ll leave it in Waitrose. You see, Waitrose seems to be my favourite place to leave things; my umbrella, handbag, purse – things I’ve been carrying with me for years. So how am I expected not to forget something new? I can’t wait for the arrival of our mini-human, I promise. I also promise that I have no intention of being a negligent mother, but, you know, being a newbie doesn’t come without it’s concerns. My main ones:
- People have told me lies all of these years and your own kids are just as annoying as everybody else’s.
- My husband isn’t joking about asking for an extra stitch for dad.
- It won’t like me and no amount of bribery will work.
- It won’t stop crying. Ever.
- The memory of the pain of childbirth won’t ever fade and will keep me up daring the rare hours baby sleeps.
- I will continue to refer to the baby as ‘it’.
- The furniture downstairs (as it were) won’t go back where it belongs
- My hygiene levels will deteriorate. Shaved legs will be saved for birthdays and Christmas thanks to rushed showers, shared with baby staring and screaming at me.
- I’ll leave it in Waitrose.
- I’ll leave a trail of milk everywhere I go. ‘Danger, wet floor’ signs will be left in my trail of destruction.
- I might have gone off of alcohol for life.
- The baby is ugly. “Goodness, it looks like you” is the best compliment friends can muster.
- I won’t get my body back. Please note, if it happens to be exchanged for that of Elle MacPherson, allowances can be made.
- Google won’t have the answer.
- I’ll leave it in Whistles, cradling a dress in my arms as I exit.
- It’ll figure out I don’t know what I’m doing.
Are you pregnant? Do you have worries? Are you already a pro with the badge to prove it? Was it half as scary as you thought? I’d love to hear from you.