I had this week’s post all planned. My gratitude was ready for the taking. We went for our growth scan this morning and whilst the little lady is still small, it appears she’s perfectly formed, which means that along with some careful monitoring, I should be able to have a normal birth. I was on top of cloud 9.
I decided to celebrate by taking some rare ‘me’ time by going to get my nails done. I took a seat whilst one of the technicians that I regularly see came running over to me. It was at this point that she took 10 whole, lengthy minutes telling me how much weight I’d put on and how it had all gone on my face. What the actual eff….???
When the whole ordeal was done and my nails were barely dry enough to escape, I practically ran out of the shop. I contemplated whether I should skip dinner tonight, I felt completely crap, I started to spiral down the path of self hatred…. and then I took a breath.
In that very moment, I realised that what she was saying was complete rubbish. I know that I haven’t put on a tonne of weight (a little over a stone in over 8 months) and my face isn’t swollen. I fact checked (something they taught us in therapy) and I knew that she was wrong. That’s the first time I’ve been able to do that.
What’s more, I’m proud to be growing our little girl. I fight every day, demons that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, to ensure that I can provide her with the nutrients that she needs to give her the best possible start to life. If I’ve put on weight, then I’m doing my job, I’m nourishing my body and hers, to look after her… but also to look after myself.
I never thought the day would come where those words would come out of my mouth. It’s not OK for people to pregnancy shame and there’s plenty of posts written on that, including this awesome one by Hannah at Budding Smiles but I’m almost grateful that it happened. I hadn’t realised how much progress I’d made until that moment… and now I can see.
A massive worry of mine has always been that our little girl will grow up and read my posts and in some way feel responsible for the struggles that I’ve been through with fighting ED throughout my pregnancy. But now, I look back, safe in the knowledge that I’ll be able to tell her that hand on heart she saved my life. To overcome the daily hurdles that I do in order to protect her and to nurture her will only prove just how much she is wanted and loved.
I’m my own biggest critic. I always think that I can do better. But today, well, today I’m proud of myself. So there’s my gratitude for this week…. No biggie!
p.s. if she’d said I look tired, I’d have completely agreed with her ?