I shared some of this on Instagram stories (if you don’t follow me there, go take a look!) a couple of weeks ago and instantly went on to write this post as I wanted something more permanent to look back on. I then chewed on it for a week, deciding whether to post or not. But I gradually grew some balls… and so here I am, finally posting it…
“If you continue down the road that you’re going, you will end up dying within a matter of months”… I remember to this day the warning of the doctors when I was in the grips of Anorexia. The biggest problem was that at that point, I was in such a dark hole that I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I didn’t wake up the next day because I couldn’t see any feasible way that I would ever have a day where I wasn’t suffering the most excruciating pain and angst with every single meal that I ate.
Fast forward three years and as I was preparing for our holiday yesterday, I’d done a panic ASOS shop in the hope that something would be suitable. Of course, I tried every single item on and critiqued it within an inch of its life. Then I came to the last dress and it was hideous. As I looked at myself disgusted in the mirror, I took in my thick thighs, my wobbly tummy and my saggy boobs, this just wouldn’t do I thought. My usual self-hatred had stepped in.
But, just as I let out a huge sigh, Bells turned around. Her jaw hit the floor and she said in a booming voice that only she can get away with along with a Cheshire cat grin “wooooowwwwweeeee”.
In that very moment, I realised that she didn’t see what I saw. She saw her mummy, the centre of her universe, wearing a pretty dress. I was perfect to her, none of my imperfections existed.
For the first time in the whole of my life, I felt truly beautiful. I’m so glad that I fought, that I continue to fight. Without it, she wouldn’t exist, our family wouldn’t exist and I wouldn’t know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
To anyone out there going through hell, keep going… it will be worth it in the end.