For ages now, I’ve worried that you’ll grow up and some day might read my ramblings on here. I fear you’ll be exposed to my struggles, see my imperfections and become aware of the constant battle that I’ve had to fight (screw you ED).
I’ve worried that I’ll no longer be the mama that makes you smile with her silly dance, that makes you feel better with her warm embrace when you’re sick, or the strong alpha female that I want to teach you to be. You’ll think less of me in some way because I’ve been weak.
But I want you to know that you’ve saved me. You alone turned my life around and for that, I will forever be indebted to you. I will never choose ED over you, or our family, ever.
As I finally get better (the first genuine time in about the last 4 years), I see my body change. It’s hard, of course it’s hard, but it doesn’t matter. I have a new found love for myself because I’m your mama…. And that must make me kinda special because you’re awesome.
I hope that if you ever read this, you’ll be proud of me…. And rather than seeing my weakness instead you’ll see strength. This life wasn’t just given to me, I’ve fought for it, I’ve fought harder than you could ever imagine and that is because of you (and your amazing daddy whom I love very much).
I pinky promise that every time you hold out that chubby arm of yours to feed me your lunch, I’ll eat it… without worry, without hesitation. Those are some of my favourite times.
I love you.