I recently wrote a post letting you guys know about the current illness that I’m battling. I was so nervous about making it public for fear of what people would think – I was convinced that everyone would think less of me (a pattern that I’m learning is a trait of the illness). I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support that I’ve received and I genuinely can’t express how grateful I am.
Journalling is something that we’re heavily encouraged to do to make sense of our thoughts and I guess you could consider this little space my online journal. I’m well aware that it won’t always make comfortable reading, but I hope that it will help shed light on the illness to those on the outside and provide some sort of comfort to those with struggles of their own to know that they’re not alone.
For now, I wanted to share with you a little letter that I wrote to ‘him’ (I’ve decided he must be a man, haha) to give you a little insight as to how exactly it’s affected my life. Grab a coffee and a comfy seat…
I’m not quite sure when you entered my life and through which door you appeared, but some how you got here. At first, you gave me everything that I wished for – feelings of greater confidence, control and power, the promise of becoming a better person and feeling more worthy of my life.
You became a crutch – a way of feeling better about myself when things went wrong, a way of staying strong, a shoulder that I could lean on with confidence that you would never leave.
For many years now, you have lived as my dirty little secret and our love affair continued… until that one day when our relationship became abusive. You control me – constantly telling me that I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve love and happiness. You went from visiting occasionally to demanding every second of my time – tearing me away from everyone and everything that I love. Without realising, I somehow lost everything – you’ve left me with an empty shell that people expect to function.
You started enforcing rules on me – when I could eat, how much, where and when. Before long, you had inflicted such fear that I would rather risk death than see the scales move up. You take away the flavour of each bite and instead replace it with numbers, torturous numbers that will never leave me.
You gave me a beautiful castle in a magical land but when I stepped inside, slammed the door and took the key. The walls contain massive windows from which I stand and watch the world as life passes me by. The clock spins around out of control as I watch my life slip away. My friends visit, I tell them I’m fine, they know that I’m lying. Gradually the visits stop and it’s just you and me.
The one person that stands with me throughout is my Fiancé, the man I love but know that I don’t deserve. He tries desperately to unlock the door to the castle to save me but I step further and further away – not because I don’t love him, but because when I look into his eyes, all that I see is pain, pain that I know I’m causing.
Now I’m being told that our relationship must end and I desperately don’t want that to happen but know that it’s for the best. I want the weight to be lifted so that I can breath again – but with every attempt that I make, your grip becomes tighter, strangling me and stealing all of my oxygen.
I hate you and yet I love you. I feel more pain that I ever knew existed and so it’s time that we parted ways. I will face my fears, those numbers, your voice, and I will step into the arms of the man who truly loves me – every part of me. I will take the blind leap of faith to make the change and with every bite of food that I take, I’ll be wishing you goodbye.
I want to step out, out from the shadows and into the light where a future and promise await. This is my time and I will no longer let you steal this from me. I fully expect that you’ll pay the occasional visit, but sadly regret that I’ll have to firmly wish you well on your way. This is the time for me and my love to start our lives together… alone. Not because that’s what he wants me to do, but because that’s what I want – truly.
I love you and always will.