White Cotton Peonies

forest

Sometimes you can’t see the forest from the trees, you’re so far deep that you lose all sense of reality. That’s exactly what happened when I became really ill with ED earlier this year. Everyone around me kept trying to remind me of the things that I was missing out on, but my world had become so small, that none of it felt real, or achievable.

Fast forward a few months later and I feel an overwhelming  sense of gratitude. I want to share with you all of things that I’m grateful for as I’m so conscious that up until now I’ve only shared the struggles.

I want those who are in the place that I was at, to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that it is possible. It’s not easy, some days it is near impossible, but it’s only now that I’m regaining things that everyone takes for granted that I realise how far I’ve come. Things feel so much sweeter when you’ve lost and regained them again.

  • I’m grateful to be able to write. I love writing and not having the capacity to focus killed me. I couldn’t even watch a full tv show.
  • I’m grateful to be able to walk up the stairs without feeling like my legs are being cut apart with knives.
  • I’m grateful to drive, even when I’m stuck in traffic jams. Just having my spacial awareness back, to regain my independence tastes sweeter than ever before.
  • I’m grateful to trust my own mind again. I can now distinguish between ED and my own thoughts. When I have fat days, I feel horrendous, I feel like the ugliest person in the world, but I now have the insight to know I won’t feel like that forever.
  • I’m grateful to have enjoyed an amazing wedding, the best day of my life. I don’t have single regret and to me, that’s huge.
  • I’m grateful to be an equal partner. No longer am I a patient and my husband a carer, I give as much as I take, I can show him as much love as he shows me. He deserves that, as do I.
  • I’m grateful for the amazing friendships that I have that have strengthened with all that I’ve been through. Of course there are those who are uncomfortable with the whole thing, that just drift away, but that’s OK. The friends that I do have are amazing and inspire me every day.
  • I’m grateful not to feel continual guilt. Even though I felt it was out of my control, I was very aware of the unhappiness and worry that I was inflicting upon others. A self perpetuating destructive path.
  • I’m grateful to be able to work. Anyone who knows me knows that I thrive on hard work and success. I now have a sense of self worth again.
  • I’m grateful to be able to socialise – no longer restrained by how many calories a glass of orange juice might contain, don’t get me started on wine or meals.
  • I’m grateful for all of the outpouring of love and support that I’ve received here. THANK YOU. A thousand thank you’s couldn’t express how grateful I am.
  • I’m grateful for my family. I can now enjoy their company without the big skinny elephant in the room.
  • I’m grateful to be able to travel. I’ve got a serious case of wanderlust and with my BMI so low, I was even advised that I shouldn’t be going on my hen party. It’s amazing the risks you’ll take to try and feel better about the way you look.
  • I’m grateful to have a future. There was a stage where I was exhausted, not wanting to continue the battle any longer. I now care what happens 6 months, 12 months or 5 years down the line. I love my husband so much and the thought of ever being without him is unthinkable. Every time that I choose to eat, I choose him rather than ED. I choose to live.

I’m sorry for such a gushing post but today, in the good place that I’m in, I’m just so grateful. I feel that I’ve been given another chance at life and I’m to grab it by the big hairy cojones.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

M xox

 

Melanie Kentish

Hi! My name's Mel and I'm a 30 something blogger living in Windsor, UK with my two ginger cats and a rather handsome husband. White Cotton Peonies is the place where you'll find my ramblings on health, fashion, beauty, food and my random adventures as a soon-to-be mum. Enjoy.

8 Comments

  1. JJ

    02/11/2015

    I’m proud, happy and also grateful reading this. Grateful you are in my life, and grateful that YOUR life is getting better. Adore you, pretty one x

    • Mel Kirk

      03/11/2015

      You, Mrs, are an inspiration. Tirelessly striving to achieve what others would consider to be the unachievable. I know that you’ve had lots of obstacles thrown at you along the way, but I’m so proud of how well you’re doing. You’re an amazing role model xxx

  2. Gemma Went

    02/11/2015

    Adore this, and you strong one. What a journey, you should be so so proud xxxx

    • Mel Kirk

      03/11/2015

      Thank you beauty, sending so much love xxx

  3. Loraine Crooki

    02/11/2015

    Super impressed by all your achievements, Mel, and very happy that you acknowledge them as such. So happy and pleased for you. Love and hugs xx

    • Mel Kirk

      03/11/2015

      Thanks Lorraine, so much love right back atcha xx

  4. Tiara

    02/11/2015

    thanks for sharing your story it’s empowering . I have struggled with ED myself not wanting to be thin but restricting food to cope with stress and anxiety but I am recovered now and it has made my health and life so much better

    • Mel Kirk

      03/11/2015

      So pleased that you’ve made it out the other side. I honestly think you come out stronger. Warriors together :) x

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