So, it turns out that I was a much better hypothetical parent than a real one. Before Bells was born, I just assumed that she’d do everything I wanted her to do, when I wanted her to do it. She’d just slot into my life, nothing too much would change. Yeah, I was foolish.
For those of you out there who are still amazing hypothetical parents, here’s the truth about what you can expect (and for those who are actual parents, hopefully they’ll sound familiar!?!):
- Tantrums. I thought this started when they were toddlers. I was wrong.
- You’ll spend hours crafting beautiful organic meals, they’ll prefer Ella every time.
- Having stocked up on masses of Ella’s Kitchen meals, they’ll decide that they no longer like being spoon fed.
- You’re more likely to find a unicorn than to get them to nap when they’re supposed to.
- They nap for a much shorter period than it took you to get them to sleep.
- Getting out of the house with a baby on time NEVER happens.
- They’ll be as bright as a button regardless of how early they get up and how little sleep they’ve had. The same can’t be said for you.
- They’ll fall asleep just as you reach your destination in the car. Every time.
- You’ll spend all day trying to make them smile. Your husband will cough and they’ll be in fits.
- They save number two’s for when you’re leaving the house/in the car/have forgotten a spare outfit.
- It doesn’t matter which toy you buy them, they’ll prefer the tag.
- They’ll always prefer your food over their own, even though it’s exactly the same.
- They will have at least x3 as many clothes as you.
- They can drive you mad and really misbehave, but they give you that smile and it’s forgotten in seconds. That’s really bl**dy annoying.
Tell me I’m not the only one that was so naive. What took you by surprise? Let’s spread the word…